Full

Ever feel like every bad thing you’ve ever lived, said, done, or experienced is all placed into a backpack and put on you?

I am an emotional person and it doesn’t take much to move me. I love that part of myself. I love that I have compassion for others and that God allows me to be moved in the ways that I am.

However, I’m learning that when it really hurts, personally hurts, I find myself saying, “Don’t feel this right now.” Literally saying that to myself. Sometimes it’s over “dumb” stuff that I know eventually I’ll move past but sometimes it’s on bigger issues.

For the past week I have just missed my dad. Little things bring back his memory. I was in Food Lion the other day and I just needed eggs. Standing in that line I was overcome with memories of him. Overcome with a longing of just wanting to see him, hear him, and sit with him. I don’t even know what triggered it… I just wanted eggs.

And there is still that part of me that just wants him here. There was so much security with him here…it feels gone. I feel damaged by this at times. It’s still hard to be in my parents’ house. Those walls contain more memories than even my brain can hold. I’m able to use my filter when I’m out and a memory comes up-I can’t do that in my old home. It’s too real. It’s too much at times. It’s added to my backpack.

I’m also still coming to terms with the ending of a friendship. It was time. I know that and the other party knows that. However, it doesn’t stop the hurt. Sometimes hurt makes me do stupid and mean things. I’m not proud of it. Sometimes hurt turns me into a person that I am not. However, I suppose if I do those things then the scary part is that for a moment, I am that person. This,too,is added to my backpack.


My backpack feels very full this week. My hope is that I’ll begin to give even more of it to God. As much as I hate the hurt and the sadness there’s a part of me that holds onto it for some reason...

As if to let it go means that I completely forget all about it.