save me I am yours

I am in a particularly rough season right now. Part of me wants to believe that it's because of the time of year, part of me wants to believe that all is alright (which just makes things harder), and a huge part of me wants to place the blame on outside things. However, I know that if the person is not right within...life is much harder.

There has been so much change in my life. A lot of people thrive on change, however, I do not. It causes a lot of anxiety in me. At times it feels almost like I'm choking. I crave "normalcy." Whatever normal is. Friendships change...circumstances change...moods changes...life is constantly changing. I once heard, "the only constant is change."

I find myself praying desperate prayers these days..."save me I am yours." I want so bad for God to swoop down and take this pain, take this ache, and to create "normal" in me again. He hasn't done that yet which says to me, "There is a lot of growth coming on." There was a point 6 or 7 months ago where I didn't feel God at all. Now, I know that He doesn't go anywhere...but that's hard to believe in the moment. I'm scared to not feel Him.

I want my "sweet spot" in ministry, in friendships, in life. Wanting it though is never enough. Or it doesn't appear to be enough. I want Him to bundle all of this hurt up, and use it for His glory. How though? How long?

I will continue to pray, "save me...I am yours."