Crucify

Almost a month ago I spent two incredible weeks studying the bible, worshipping, and lovin' on Jesus. I prayed for specific things, specific people, and for God to move fully in my life. He revealed some things to me that were hard, and convicted me in areas that I didn't want to be convicted in. He brought back a quote from a book that I had read several months prior to this time. Donald Miller's book, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years, had a huge impact on me when I read it. There were things in that book that stood out to me, convicted me, and called me to change. However, some of it I put aside for a rainy day.

"It's a terrible thing to wake up and realize the person you just finished crucifying didn't turn out to be Jesus."

I thought, "Wow. I'm really glad I'm not struggling with that." And, I moved on.

I'm learning that most often humans view situations/sin the way that they want to. We excuse ourselves by making numerous excuses. We ignore the nagging feeling in our hearts and minds that says, "Pray about it. Change. Move on." Why? Because it feels better to put yourself on the "right" side of things. Or to make someone else the bad guy. I was convinced that with one area of my life that I was the victim ((shudder)) and the other person was the bad guy. Not the case...I played a role, too. God would remind me of my role. He'd remind with one simple line from a book..."It's a terrible thing to wake up and realize the person you just finished crucifying didn't turn out to be Jesus."

I was living as a victim: no blame, no guilt, no shame, no role to play in the downfall of a friendship. The role I was playing in this story was that of victim, and I'd assigned the part of villain to my friend. Classic. After the quote reminder, I spent a week praying about my friendships, my role in friendships, and my sin that could lead to the downfall of such a significant friendship in my life. I prayed and at times said to God, "I don't believe or want what I'm praying but I know you'll change my heart. Change my heart, Lord. Please mold it and break the bitter shell that's formed around it."

He did.

The revelations that came from them were incredible...and so hard. The break down of realizing that I had begun assigning roles, blame, and I had completely discredited the person who had been an incredible friend...and realized that I'd created a complete lie. Hurt will do mighty things. It'll build walls. It'll assign character traits to someone that are far from true. Hurt says harmful things. Hurt can cause me to ignore the Creator because I don't want to see any good in those He created. It's easier to tear down than to build up. Easier to fall into the lie instead of to live in truth. When I can get out of my own way and make way for Him...it's a phenomenon as to how He works.

A friendship has been mended. Is it perfect? No. Will it go back to the way it was? Probably not, but I'm open to it. I'm open to where God leads me in this area...so far from where I was before.

The funniest part? This was not something that I went into my fast praying about or even thinking about. But I learned that when you open your heart to Jesus and you ask Him to change you...it's amazing the junk He'll let surface. Not only will He bring it into the light but He'll heal it. I'm thankful that He finishes the work that He starts, that He heals, and renews.

It's a beautiful thing.