Beauty

This week has been a rough week. I get in my own way more than anyone else could. I needed to be refreshed this Saturday morning. So, I slept in, and then God opened my eyes ((again.)) Here's how:

I'm working my way through a book right now called, "Captivating" with a few girls from my small group. I picked this book up thinking that I might get something out of it, but not really expecting much. It is making me think.

With each of the two chapters I've read I am blown away by how much of it makes sense. Stasi Eldredge co-authored this book with her husband. They talk a lot about what it means to be a woman, how vital woman are, and how loved we are by God. I just finished a chapter on Beauty. God's timing is always perfect; my pastor will be speaking on this very topic tomorrow.

There are many things that beauty is:

it comforts. it invites. it nourishes. it invites. and it is powerful. As a woman I am full of many things that a man is just not equipped with. There are natural things hidden within me that God has placed there for His purpose. When I stop trying to be what I think my job expects, what I think my friends expect, or even what I think people at my church expect...I can be what God has called me to be. I spend so much time covering up who I am when who I am is what God formed me to be. Sound familiar?

Psalm 139:13 For You formed my inward parts; You wove me in my mother's womb.

This passage always takes me back. Who me? When it says "you" is God really talking about me? At certain points in my life I have made myself feel so irreplacable. so insignificant. so little. so unimportant. I have let people in who had harmful intent, and I let them reside in my life because I thought I deserved the scraps that they let fall from the table. Each time I made the choice to let them stay...I chose to let it sacrifice a little of who God intended or intends for me to be.

God formed me to be this nurturing, encouraging, loving, determined, hospitable, deep thinking, creative, and passionate person. For so long (and even still now) I make excuses for those things. For example: I send a lot of cards out. A lot of the cards I send out are to the people that I am closest to. The cards are always appreciated, and complimented (not why I send them, mind you.) But I always think that I'm "too much." Like, I'm this person who is too much. Or sometimes...like I'm not enough. It's a constant struggle for me. Why is it a struggle? God created my heart, and when He did He created a heart that loves deeply. I think Stasi Eldredge put into words how I often feel:

"Everyone woman I've ever met feels it-something deeper than just the sense of failing at what she does. An underlying gut feeling of failing at who she is. I am not enough, and, I am too much at the same time. Not pretty enough, not thin enough, not kind enough, not gracious enough, not disciplined enough. But too emotional, too needy, too sensitive, too strong, too opinionated, too messy. The result is Shame, the universal companion of women."

Wow. How much time do I spend striving to be enough for everyone? How much time do I spend feeling like I'm never going to be enough? The answer: too much. I'm learning that my heart is formed, and claimed by Him. Because of those two things His goodness will overflow from my heart, and my mouth to better serve His Kingdom. That in itself is enough. And that is beauty in its purest form.