friday & grace

Some days I wake up and I wonder how in the world I got to where I am. I become overwhelmed by my life. Overwhelmed by the good. There is so much good. I'm guilty often of only allowing myself to feel tired/stressed, and to live in a mere state of existence. I get caught up in the day to day routine: long work hours, additional tutoring hours, places to be, friends to keep up with-in a half-ass manor, etc.

The weight on my shoulders continues to push...push...push. This was a week with a lot of appointments, a lot of late nights, and a lot of avoidable chaos. I'd had enough by Friday morning so when my alarm went off I refused to move. I didn't allow myself to think of the mile long to do list which included grading tests, emailing parents, sending out permission slips, calling people, planning, and on and on and on.

I just made myself lay and be. Then, God removed the veil. I became so overwhelmed with all of the good that resides within my small space in this world. My warm sheets, the hot water that awaited me in the shower, coffee that would begin to brew as soon as I clicked,on. I looked around my room at the pictures. Pictures of family and friends...all of which make my life so full. The faces that smiled back at me and in turn made me smile. Those very faces that often get ignored throughout the week because I'm too caught up in the day to day madness.

Friday morning, I decided that I would not rush. So, I went into the kitchen to make my coffee and I plugged my tree in. I sat with my coffee just watching the lights dance in my dark livingroom. Laughter rolled around inside of me, "When in the world did I even find time to put up a tree?!?!" Ha-see? With the laughter every GOOD thing in my life began to rush over me. In my livingroom I began to drown in His grace. ((again)) If grace could've swallowed me whole it would've on Friday morning...that's how much I felt it. I felt complete.

How quickly I forget about the good when I'm so caught up in the rush. This remains a struggle for me. Going...going...going..*sigh* and breathe. I'm a broken mangled mess by the end of the week because I've been so quick to say, "yes" or to continuously be whatever it is that someone needs me to be.

Because of this need to please I am disconnected. I'm disconnected from community and I'm feeling it. There's a sense of loss there. I don't allow myself to slow down long enough to feel it, but it's there. The loss that remains in hiding throughout the week but creeps in slowly on the weekends. I'm disconneted because I have become so distracted. Some of my distractions are necessary, however, a lot of them are simply because I don't say, "no." Community held me accountable for seeing the good and for valuing personal time a lil more. Community reminded me to have fun.

I know that there's a need. I know it. I've had the close knit group of friends that piled into my home several times a week. The hanging out, the movies, the dinners, the calls, the texts, etc. Most of that is gone now. I suppose the season has passed. People have moved and some are dating, engaged, or even married. When all that I became accustomed to changed-I decided to cope. For me coping came in the form of the word "yes." Being busy just helped me transition into a different season, I think?

As I move into a new week I'm going to be better about how I spend my time. I'm just going to take it a week at a time. I want to be conscious of my words, actions, and choices. I need to say, yes, to more intentional time with God and no to all of the fillers the entice me to run instead of solve.

I'm tired. I shouldn't be THIS tired at 28-almost-29 (eek.)

I'm hopeful.

"Make a promise to me now. Reassure my heart somehow that the love that I feel is so much more real than anything..."