No RSVP needed

The holidays are always full. We make plans, we run around shopping, we tie up loose ends, and we shuffle back and forth. It's so busy. I think that's part of the reason I've enjoyed the snow so much. It made me slow down. It made me breathe. It made me really take stock of the things/people God has provided. During these last few days I've lived in an euphoric type state.

Until a few minutes ago...

I was on the phone with a good friend and we were trying to nail down a time to hang out. I suggested the 27th and she said, "I can't. ________ will be here & we are going out for coffee so we can catch up." Oh.

I was in _________'s wedding. We used to talk atleast once a week on the phone. We used to catch up via email, sometimes, daily. Little communication has happened this year. I didn't need to mark that date on my calendar. Nor did I need to lop off two hours of good coffee catch up. I didn't need to RSVP.

*ouch*

There's been so much distance. She's made some new close friends. I've made some. In a way, I suppose both of us has moved on. I shouldn't be sad about this because in all honesty I hadn't been sad about it up until this point. But it hit home today.

A lot of stuff hit home. That was a small piece of the bigger picture. 2009 has been full of new relationships & saying goodbye to some former relationships. I'm ok with that in the moment (if I don't think about it.) It makes me think big picture though. Honestly, I suck at maintaining friendships. I get overwhelmed. I get "busy." I get overinvolved sometimes. It's a lot. Most times I find that I love people but mainly I love them from a distance. I let them share with me but often I don't share my heart with them. It's hard to be invested. Very hard.

I don't do it intentionally. I really don't. I wonder sometimes what God thinks of me when I do this. When He puts people in my life and I don't maintain the friendships.

Does He get mad?
Does it sadden Him?
Is He just as tired of my excuses as I am?
Does He just see it as changing seasons?

I don't know.


I do know I need to be better at it. I do know that even when I'm not with "my people" I love them far more than I even realize. At times, I think that because I sometimes feel that I'm forgettable and that maybe it doesn't matter if I keep up. It hurts to write that.

My excuses are thrown out to sea & often times they fall on deaf ears. Too many excuses & people move on. Then, there's no need to RSVP, anymore.