I don't know if holidays will ever really feel like holidays anymore. I'm not very excited for Thanksgiving or even Christmas this year. It still feels like something is missing. Well, not something-but someone. It's hard to get excited about a holiday when nothing is the same. Our family traditions have even changed because we don't know how to react.
When my dad passed away last year I think we made it through the holidays only because we were all still in shock. When everything about you is in shock you can't feel. I don't remember Thanksgiving last year, and I don't remember Christmas day. This year it seems like it has set in. Who will carve the turkey? Who will talk to me as I sort through the newspaper for sale ads? Who will make fun of me on black Friday after I come in cold & tired from all of the shopping madness?
I thought about my dad a lot last weekend. I had to go out and buy a pair of tennis shoes. That was my dad's big thing. He wouldn't spend a dime on most things but his kids always had good shoes. He suffered with diabetes and was always very careful when it came to his feet. He didn't want his kids to know the pain that he knew. So, we always had good shoes. The last pair of tennis shoes I had-he purchased. I shoe shopped without him this year. It's funny-I didn't mind dropping the money on nice tennis shoes because all of the things he used to tell me are still there. I also can't throw the old shoes out. I know that they are just shoes...but I can't get rid of them.
I want to live my life in a way that would've made him proud. I just don't think I'm at that point. I am a mess. A jumbled mess. There are so many things to sort through, and to deal with. There are traits that I know I have that came from him-not all of those traits are positive. I have a mean streak in me-that comes from him. I've worked hard to really shed that mean streak but I have guilt about that too. I feel like when I tweak those things...those traits; I lose him. I know how silly that sounds. Grief doesn't make sense. Not one single thing about it makes sense.
I miss him.
I'm starting to really dislike holidays. They aren't the same.
Life isn't the same.
My Dear, Sweet Friend,
ReplyDeleteAs I sit here thanking God for a friend like you on Thanksgiving, my heart is broken for your sadness and I wish there was something that I could say to make you go, "Hmmm...I get it...it's all okay now." But there is nothing to say to change the fact. When my Dad died I wouldnt let my stepmom give us any Christmas or Birthday cards because I couldn't stand to see the signature part go from Dad and Debbie to just Debbie. I remember telling her, "It is a visual of how is just erased from my life." I had to change the way I entered their house because Dad always sat in the same spot on the porch, where I would stop and kiss his forehead. I could no longer walk in that way and look at his empty chair. I guess my only point is that it is okay to be sad. Okay to grieve. Okay to miss him. REALLY miss him. You are not a mess, you are human and normal. And do not ever get rid of those shoes. They are not just shoes...they are a symbol of how much your Dad loved you and how your happiness meant the world to him. and THAT is something to be thankful for today. I love you, Friend, and I am praying for your sweet, broken heart...
xoxox
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ReplyDeleteI love and I'm praying for you beautifuL:) Just remember, we go through seasons of all kinds...and the season you are in might not be so fun and is sad, but Jesus will use it for His glory and it will draw you closer to Him! It is good to grieve because it is part of the healing process..and it's the best thing you can do! Don't let the enemy come in and feed you lives about how you shouldn't cry, or you are a mess, or not where you should be. We are all a work in progress and we are a beautiful mess, and Jesus is so in love with that!
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